"Yes, I Have Cancer." Connecting With Other People

The conversation went something like this:
"How have you been doing?"
"Not so hot, I have been diagnosed with cancer."
She looks at my lack of hair under my hat, "I can see that. Well take care of yourself and good luck with that."  Not exactly the cup half-full kind of pep talk. When my husband and I got in the car we laughed.
 
  People handle the illness of others in many different directions. All over the map you might say. Some don't even seem to be from the same planet. I have been told by my closest friends, you know the ones, those you have sat and listened to for hours pouring out their hearts to you in their crisis situations, that they didn't want to call and "bother" me. I have had seemingly mere acquaintances call me every single day just to "check in." Then there are the true gems. These are the people who just call and say, "I am making mac and cheese and would you like me to bring it over?" They come and hug and go. Their are those who send get well cards and those who send email and some who leave you messages on Facebook (a great source for mass communication by the way). Some people just don't have a clue what to say so they don't say anything. I have a hard time with the last one. How hard is it to smile at somebody and say, "I have been thinking of you?" And I am just talking about the people you know here.
  I have noticed that in public I can sometimes feel someone staring at me and turn around to find a knowing smile. I wonder if they have gone through what I have? I have also had people avoid me. I don't think it's me personally, maybe it is the reality of their own mortality hitting them. We are all susceptible to illness, maybe some just don't want to "go there". What about survivor complex? I have often felt bad around somebody who I know has lost a loved one to cancer. I guess I feel bad for living through it when others haven't.
  In the beginning it was difficult for me to juggle everything. I was dealing with recovery from surgery and the effects of chemo every two weeks much less trying to deal with what other people felt. Then when I started going out into the public I began to felt self-conscious. I just knew that everyone knew I had cancer. The reality is that most people were busy and hardly noticed. When they did they were usually polite and I was the one to bring it up. Due in part to the latest cancer fighting campaigns and television commercials, I think more people have empathy and are supportive. I have had more than a few tell me to keep up the fight. It seems like everywhere you go there is somebody who has been affected by this disease.
  The best advice I can probably give you is to be honest with yourself and with others. Being honest with yourself means that you are aware of the fact that there are just some things you cannot do right now. And by the way, you do look different. Know your limits. Turn down offers of visits and activities that you just aren't up to. Allow people to help you if you need it. Being honest with others is being open about your condition. Allow people to ask questions. I had one woman come up to me and ask me if I was sick. Instead of becoming defensive, I smiled and said, "Yes, but I am better than before." She just wanted to offer to pray for me. A young girl who worked with my daughter wanted to ask me some questions but was too afraid to ask. Her father had cancer and wasn't doing too well. My daughter told me and I made it a point to tell her about my experience. Be honest with your loved ones. If you feel crummy say so. Don't think you have to be a superhero. We have bad days and we can't carry the load on our own. We were designed to share with others.
  In a recent article I read, "You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepening your relationships. Our culture is terrified of facing death. It is obsessed with medicine. It idolizes youth, health, and energy. It tries to hide any signs of weakness or imperfection. You will bring huge blessing to others by living openly, belivingly, and lovingly within your weaknesses. Paradoxically, moving out into relationships when you are hurting and weak will actually strengthen others. Your need gives others an opportunity to love." I myself tend to withdraw when I have a problem but have found the above statements to be true. My marriage, family relationships, and some friendships have grown stronger within the midst of my illness.
  I encourage you to reach out and connect with other people. Read about other's experiences so you don't feel alone and contribute to the conversation. There are many support groups and online resources for you. Ask around or research on your computer. Above all don't withdraw and isolate yourself. It is ok to want time alone but reaching out will contribute greatly toward your healing. And you have a lot to offer!

Stay tuned as next time we will talk about, "I'm Sick Of Being Sick!"